As I write this I am sitting by my mum's bed in a hospice. She is dying. She is dying from an aggressive, and for her a now untreatable, form of Cancer. Right now it is easy to sit here- she's asleep and relaxed but later today I know she will have to face numerous battles with pain and ever decreasing levels of being able to manage her own life.
{Kris, Me (and an overdue Minnie), Mama & Callum}
Twenty years ago I wrote an essay for my second year English class on the topic of my Hero. I wrote about my mum. Seriously, I did- and she even kept the essay. I don't really remember what I wrote about as I haven't read it in ten years but it was almost certainly about how I thought my mum had overcome every obstacle to be the person who I thought was worthy of aspiring to be. I admired the fact that whatever she faced she overcame it and came out the other side a little stronger, a little wiser, and still with her humour. At the time of writing I was impressed by how she had brought up my brothers and I on her own at the same time as putting herself through college, of being accepted to study Law at Strathclyde and then starting her own business. It seemed to me amazing that she could do so much, achieve so many things that were so difficult.
{Nash and Mama}
Now I sit here, twenty years later- a time span that would blow my twelve year old brain- on the eve of mum's 51st birthday, actually by the time you read this it will be mum's birthday. Anyway, I digress, twenty years later I realise that what I thought were the accomplishments and things I admired in my mum as a twelve year old are such small parts of who she is and with the wisdom (hah!) of my own years and experiences of life, of work, of raising a family I can see through fresh eyes what I could never have conceived of then. I always imagined that when I got older I would know all the things my mum knew- that somehow by becoming a grown up I would suddenly have the knowledge that would make the world known to me, and sure, I know stuff now but mum still has the lead on me and that is surprising.
{Granny with her girls}
I don't find it surprising that all this time later my mum is still my hero. That she is still an amazing woman who lives her life with a gusto and exuberance that put many of us to shame, that she still pushes the limits of what people think you can do or should do; there is no part of her that I don't admire and aspire to.
{Granny and her favourite boy}
I know how fiercely I love my daughters, that I would lay down my life to protect them. I want to shield them from pain and hurt but I also know that I want them to live life and to be able to face and overcome things that are difficult or hard, to understand that life isn't always easy and that there are consequences to any decision. Whenever I am faced with a new decision I think about my mum and how she raised us and how she always seemed to know just how much leeway we needed to grow, but not so much that we would be at a risk from harm. To know when to turn a blind eye and when to lay down the law. Looking at it I have no idea how she knew to be as wise as she was. I think of how she must have made those decisions alone and couldn't show her thoughts or fears with a partner or even a parent.
{Callum, Kris, Mama and I in Crianlarich}
I look at my brothers and I now and I see that she must have got most of those decisions right. We all made mistakes, and some of them were pretty big, but we all had great triumphs. Whatever we were doing each of us has known that we were supported and safe and most of all that we were loved. We still look to each other for help, for advice and to share triumphs big and small. I only hope that I can take these lessons and experiences and use them to raise my girls to be the women that granny can see in them, to be the women that we can be proud of.
{Granny and Charlotte pedal from Glasgow to Edinburgh}
As important as my brothers and I, our associated small children and even our aunts and uncles are to my mum the group of people that mum would refer to her family is certainly wider than any group of people who just happen to have some pretty similar DNA. Throughout my life mum has played mother hen to all the waifs and strays that have come her way- everyone from friends of ours when we were at school moving in for the entire school holidays to the grown children of her friends and just about anyone in between. Never in mum's life has she had enough money for all of her needs but whatever she had she was willing to share, even if all she had was a roof over her head. We've given up beds, couches and floors for people more times than I can remember sometimes because people have great need and sometimes because it was fun and someone just belonged to the family. Many meals and dinner tables have been stretched and strained to feed another two, three or ten people. I've never known mum to sit in comfort and see anyone struggle and fall. What she has she shares.
{Granny and Minnie}
The way that mum has always shared whatever she has is not something I think my twelve year old self ever thought about, it was just something that happened. I wish I could be as selfless and I know I can be better at that than I am. Is there anything better to aspire to than being a better person? Even now, when mum would have every right to be selfish and self centred she is making sure that everyone has all that they need- from support from the hospice, to worrying about us having money because of all the time we are spending with her. It's just not in her nature to take without giving.
{Lexie and Granny dancing the night away}
If I ever make comment on my mum in normal life it is usually in the context of some insanely difficult and exhausting outdoor pursuit- running, climbing, biking, walking mum never thought twice about it. It isn't unusual to call her at 11am on any given day and ask "Whatcha' doin'?" and finding out that she just done a "loop" on her bike (which for the uninitiated might mean up and over the Duke's Pass around Loch Katrine and back via Stronachlachar and Kinlochard) or been up Ben A'an or Lime Craig. And now she was off out to work. I look at her and wonder where she keeps the energy stored. I still look at her and wonder how she has the strength and to get up out of bed and battle the pain. To do all of that just for the triumph of walking around the duck pond, of just getting out there and doing it. I see that strength and and think it is the most amazing thing in the world, the not ever, ever giving up. The neverm ever giving in and knowing that all you need to do is to not stop.
I need to learn this. I need to show my girls what strength they have inside them, to show them what they can do, that everything is possible if they just don't give up.
{At the top of Ben Nevis}
In the last twenty years mum has achieved so many things- there are medals all over the house, she's climbed so many physical mountains and some of those metaphorical mountains. Every day has been lived and the challenges she has faced this year against cancer, perhaps the first fight that she wont win (although I'm not sure cancer can say it has won either) she has shown all of the qualities that I love in my mama- strength, determination, courage, fight, hope and most of all love.Just in case you think this is some kind of sainted person I will happily apply the following attributes to her- difficult, contrary, awkward, crazy and frustrating. She's all these things and more but I would still like to be more like her, she's still my Hero after twenty years of letting real life change the childish view of my mama.
{Just me and my mama}
She has set the bar high for me to aim for, I would love my children to grow up and realise that there mama is not just another grown up making it up as she goes along but that she is more than they ever imagined and that they will have to work hard to catch up, even when I'm fifty. I want to pass on the inspiration from my mama, their granny, to them to be more than they ever imagined they could be.I'm not ready to say goodbye to my mama. I love her too much, there is still too much still to do together, stil to many memories to be made and life to live and if I'm honest I don't want to do it without her. One day soon I'm not going to have the choice and I wont have her beside me to show me the way, to show me how to raise three girls but she has given me the family, the strength and the love to do it, and I will do it because mum, you are still my hero and I won't let you down.
One last thing mama, Happy Birthday- I love you more than you can ever know x
